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June 07, 2017
 

Relationships

The first fights and disagreements

Learning to argue, and even fight, constructively, with the greater interest in making the relationship work out above all else, is a great tip for us to relate more harmoniously. To avoid unnecessary fighting, ask yourself: What attitude would best demonstrate my real desire to make the relationship work? This question can help in "cooling your head" sometimes, avoiding harsh words before they are thrown to the winds.
Me and Camila had our first big fight. The reason? Jealousy. I introduced some of my friends to her. In fact, my friends were very sympathetic to the fact that I was dating a girl. The problem is that I have a very close friend, who usually has an even possessive attitude toward me. It was she who was on my side when I discovered that my fiancé was cheating on me. She stood beside me in several difficult times. I thought she and Camila would be best friends too. But it was not like that. My friend was very close to me and they both seemed to be fighting for territory. Initially, I found it funny. But when Camila came to complain to me, I defended my friend, saying that she was always like that. Camila was very angry and we had an argument. Did I fail to notice some animosity from my friend? Did Camila feel uncomfortable and threatened and I did not realize?
Because I was thinking about these things, I decided to write about it. At the very beginning of the relationship, some attitudes, while appearing right and even exciting, may turn against you at some point in the relationship, especially when it comes to the first fights. Try not to make these mistakes:

Be available all the time

If you have plenty of time available, fine. But don’t let other people know that. You want people (and not just the people you want to date or have sex with) to think that you have a life full of important and fabulous things to do. And if you have a lot of time on your hands, find something to do. Clean your apartment. Plan to meet a friend you have not seen in years. And do it. Create your own schedule. Have your own life apart from your relationship.

Send a lot of messages or call very frequently

People have many rules. Rules such as "don’t send message soon after a meeting", "don’t send a message the next day", "don’t send messages for three days", "send messages to every three that you receive" and so on. The last one is infuriating. If you are the kind of person who communicates through messages, I’m not saying that you should stop. I’m saying to stop and think "Do I really need to send this message?". Is it to confirm plans? Go ahead. Do you want to share an inner joke? Go ahead. Are you going to say you had fun? Go ahead. But not every day. And don’t send meaningless messages. Things like, "Hey, how's it going?" "Well, what about you?" "Well." I mean, what is it? What should someone do with it? And if you do this several times a day at the beginning of a relationship, it’s very annoying.

Ask him/her almost every day what his/her plans are and if he/she wants to go out with you

This is a very uncomfortable situation for those who are in the beginning of a relationship. Yeah, I like you, we have fun, but why do you insist so hard to see me? Don’t you understand that I work? I told you I work. Can’t you relax just a little? I also feel bad when every time you invite me to something, I have to tell you that I have plans, because I really have plans, but soon I may get to the point where I will tell you that I have plans when I don’t have. And I don’t like to lie to people. Let me miss you. Make some plans, and if they don’t work for me, I'll offer solutions, and we can decide something. If we can’t, that's my cowardly way of telling you that I'm not into you.

Having "the conversation about the relationship" too soon

Nothing ends a relationship like talking about the relationship too soon. This makes sense if you have been together for a few months and you want to know if you are unique to each other, and how you feel about what is happening between you, and so on. But if you've had, like, two dates and you're talking about it, it's going to end badly. You're going to scare the other person, and you're just asking this because you're also scared, so you have two frightened people thinking, "What are we doing? I just wanted to have fun!”. So don’t do that.

Being too familiar or too intimate (in a non-sexual way)

Thinking about meeting his/her friends and family is encouraging, but it's kinda weird if you try to force that. If you ask your partner, "How's your niece?" when he didn’t mention his niece, but you know of her existence because you saw her on his Instagram… that’s crazy! And you’ll look like a stalker. And being too intimate means acting like a boyfriend/girlfriend after just one date, for example. On your second date, you jump into his arms and call him by nicknames you just invented, and you take his hand… This makes the other person feel very strange. Sometimes it is good to hold back during the courtship phase.
In relation to the fights, they can occur due to direct or indirect consequences to the attitudes mentioned. The most common types of fights are:

Fights because of jealousy

There are those who say that a pinch of jealousy can spice up the relationship. Many people still believe that demonstrations of jealousy are nothing more than demonstrations of love... But what is the limit to this? How healthy is it to want to know everything about your partner's life? From what moment the concern with his attitudes becomes obsessive, harming the relationship?
The truth is that there is a fine line between jealousy and possession, which leads many couples to argue frequently, for various reasons: he does not approve of the clothes worn by his girlfriend; She asks who are the messages that the boyfriend received on his cell phone; One wants to access the other's social networks to see if there is "nothing suspicious", etc.
Yes, most people agree that a "little jealousy" is even good for the relationship, that it is a sign of affection, care. But when the man or woman starts to want to control too much the life of the other, judging to be entitled to it, the situation complicates and the relationship tends to become more and more difficult.

Fights because of the other person's friendships

There are a lot of cases of women complaining about their boyfriend's friends, or about men who are bothered by the actions of some girlfriends friends.
Phrases such as "your friends are idiots and they keep calling you out every day", "your friends don’t like me and they do everything to keep us away", "you prefer to go out with them than to be with me", "You pay more attention to them than to me”, among other accusations, are common among some couples and generate constant quarrels between them.
But how to solve the problem? The main orientation is to respect the opinion of the other! Instead of criticizing the behavior and attitudes of a friend of your boyfriend, for example, try to think of the good reasons that made them both great friends. Reflect one, two, up to three times before you start a discussion about it. Remember that you also have your friends and probably would not like to hear your partner to speak ill of them all the time.
Also it’s good to talk to your friends and ask if everything is ok and if they have some problem with your partner. To talk is always the better.

Fights for "lack of attention"

At a certain stage in the relationship (be it dating or marriage), the woman or man may feel uncomfortable with what they consider to be "lack of attention" from the partner. Sometimes the complaint is not fair and the person who is receiving this "accusation" feels the right to defend himself, which can end up generating a discussion and even a more serious fight.
In other cases, the complaint may even make some sense and it is from this moment on that the couple should sit down to talk in a civilized way about the matter, preventing it from becoming a real discussion.
That way, the trick is: It's very important that you talk to your boyfriend or husband if you feel that something in your relationship is not right. But it is essential that this conversation takes place in a civilized way, without offense, so that everything can, in fact, be resolved in the best possible way.
It is worth emphasizing that no couple is equal to another. But in general, most of the conflicts mentioned above - also considered in general terms - can be avoided if there is a good dialogue between them.

There is something called Three Months Dating Crisis

Have you noticed that most relationships sometimes last no longer than 3 months? This must have happened to you, as it has already happened to me.
When we meet someone and begin to get involved, everything seems a little touchy, you don’t know enough about who is this person by your side and certain actions seem too risky.
Depending on the couple and maturity of both parties, the crisis goes unnoticed. The most common is that people who have already been married or have children don’t even realize the moment the relationship goes to another level. But in dating among younger or inexperienced people, the timing is crucial in determining if the relationship goes forward or ends after 90 days or even earlier.
There is also the other side, when the couple is extremely passionate and lives that fairytale common in the beginning of dating. But since things are not always that easy, it's good to always be cautious in the beginning of the relationship.

The crisis usually happens by the maturing of the relationship

Few people realize this, but the three months  crisis usually happens because the relationship becomes more serious. So it's a good thing, isn’t it? Once the moment of knowing each other has passed, the relationship only continues if there is a real feeling or acceptance of the other person as he/she is. The time of three months is a good time to get to know each other's friends, family and hobbies, and know if the relationship will actually last.
The cycle of the relationship begins like this: in the first days the couple starts to know each other. Then they start to really date and then begin the moments alone at home with relatives, going out with friends hand in hand and sleep in each other's house. In the first days everything is great because the couple tries to look as perfect as possible, waking up before each other to brush their teeth and hide their bad breath or never putting their feet on the couch. Then the first signs of disregard appear, without connecting much, and the romantic messages on the cell phone tend to become increasingly scarce and end in the next months, when the test truly begins.

Give time for things to quiet down

Did your relationship arrive at this point, with constant fights? Give time for the other to accept you. It's no use forcing your way of living and thinking. A quarrel between ways of thinking creates only more conflict and confusion. Buying time and avoiding the discussions can allow the other to get used to your way of thinking and you to his/hers. Nothing is better than time to appease manias considered unbearable. You sure remember a mania of a previous boyfriend that you hated, but even with this, you spent a few years with him. The same case can be taken into account now: time is the best remedy for dating crises.
Turn your focus away from fights by planning interesting things like a stroll, movie, romantic dinner and traveling with friends, even for just one weekend.
And for me and Camila, we talked and I said that I would talk to my friend, but I also told her how special this friend was for me and how she helped me through difficult times. Maybe she's being possessive just because she cares about me and wants to protect me. Camila understood and we agreed to overcome this together.