Bi-curiosity is the stimulus of heterosexual people to experience same-sex relationships and/or same-sex sexual encounters. It’s more common than you can imagine. More and more people have been challenged to discover the homosexual pleasure that society condemns – but only anonymously, in a safe hiding place from the hostility of his/her social circle.
Since I began to tell about my experiences in a relationship with another woman (being that I had previously only had relationships with men), I received several messages from women who feel like experiencing what it would be like to be with another woman. And this is more common than we imagine. I decided to write about it.
Does the fact that many women don’t come out of the closet have an intimate connection with that old repetitive comment that we receive from aunts (and mothers, and fathers, and grandparents): “Any boyfriend?”.
The world convinces us, day after day, that we need a man. Even if we want to stay single, or going through a phase of maximum dedication to studies or professional projects, or we are lesbians. Having a pair – a male pair, necessarily – has to be the most important thing in our lives.
We convince ourselves of this when we are pestered by other men at a bar table because "such a beautiful woman can’t be alone”, or when they try to convince us that we can’t travel or do anything alone because we are women, or when our friends ask us why we are still single, or when that boring aunt asks us about where are our boyfriend.
And that influences our decisions much more than it may seem at first glance. It makes us engage in abusive relationships, without passion or doomed to failure. It makes us accept anything, because, after all, "a man is a luxury item", especially because we can’t stand to hear this fateful question at family lunches or a friends meeting anymore.
We need a culture or instructions that the system (not by chance) doesn’t give us. And it is that we must realize that, no, we don’t need a man, even if we are heterosexual. We need what makes us happy: being single and happy, if we want, self-dedication, the pursuit of a constructive and respectful relationship, or a lesbian relationship if we feel like it.
If a woman feels like kissing another woman, maybe doing more things with her, she isn’t immediately a lesbian. She can only be bi-curious or liberal. What is the problem of experiencing your sexuality as you see fit?
It’s likely that the men, eventually even the boyfriend or husband, won’t only support the experiment but also want to participate in it as a coadjuvant. And also, if a man has a wild desire to feel a rough beard touching his neck or a penis in his mouth, he’s also not immediately gay. He’s also discovering his sexuality. End of conversation.
One thing I noticed is that, for women, bisexuality, bi-curiosity, pansexuality and so many other flexible terms are allowed. They even insinuate that there is a female bias toward bisexuality. But for men, the system is binary: straight or gay. And this dualistic view doesn’t come only from men themselves. Women also have their fault on this issue. I never hear to my woman friends encouraging their guy friends to pick up other guys or making nasty remarks about some situation among friends. And this is something usual between women.
Is female curiosity different from masculine? A woman has the chance to try to find out if she likes it. She may come to the conclusion that yes, no or that she likes it sometimes. But men, even if they say they did not appreciate the experience, will be labeled the rest of their lives as gay men.
And if they say that they also like to touch other guy’s penises now and then, they’re screwed up, because it seems that there are no bisexual men, only straight or homosexuals.
I admit that the theme is complex. Culturally, the male role seems much more rigid and predetermined than the female role. I believe that part of it comes from the very construction of the woman as an object of desire for men. And they – at least most of them – like to imagine and see women relating between each other sexually. In such a way that they made the idea almost natural for the women themselves.
I know couples who do a ménage with two women, but they would never consider adding another man to the party. If that was the case, there would have to be very precise rules for the guys not getting even close to the one another. And women buy this fetish as theirs (of course, in some cases, it really is), without even thinking "what would it be like to watch my husband suck a d**k?". They think only a gay man would do that.
The "problem" in male bi-curiousity is so deeply rooted in our way of thinking that it is even difficult to explain why among women this doesn’t become a stigma, and among men it becomes a permanent ghost of disguised homosexuality. Obviously what is said about this must be quite different from what happens out of the eyes of others.
And as in many taboos, one thing is what is spread to the four winds, another thing is what is done between the sheets.
The right to bi-curiosity must be equal for both men and women. I’m not arguing that everyone needs to experience the same sex at least once in their lifetime, just that there should be the same sexual treatment for both genders without hasty labels. That each one may taste do what they want, whichever suits them best, without receiving being judged by that. Let the guys discover themselves and decide what they like on their own.
Why there are so many bi-curious women?
In Spain they call "Flechazo femenina", in the United States of America "Girl Crush", in Portugal they call it "Paixoneta feminina". In reality, the term is associated with a crush for other woman without sexual implications. The theme is not new, but it’s more than ever fashionable and is seen and debated in all areas of society and particularly in social networks.
Women have always looked at one another for their beauty. They observe the hairstyles and makeup, the clothes they wear or the fashion accessories they put on. Sometimes by envy or admiration, but sometimes for passion (crush) to one another.
The feminine sensuality that men so much appreciate and serves as a network to capture their attention is also responsible for attracting the attention of other women.
For many, especially the more timid, such a situation can be embarrassing, especially if one sees homosexuality as something fearsome. For others, it’s something to explore and they can often begin to discover the road to bi-curiosity, which is also very much in vogue today.
Bi-curious or bisexual: is there a difference?
A lot! Bisexual is the one who feels sexual/emotional attraction for people of both genders, masculine and feminine. The bi-curious is someone who identifies himself as heterosexual or homosexual, but who has emotional/sexual curiosity by someone of the same sex – in the case of the homosexual, of the opposite sex. The term refers to those who did not have experiences or who did not realize with little experimentation.
Talking to friends about the bi-curiosity of a colleague of ours many years ago, we debated and they said that he wasn’t bi-curious, but an unassuming and frustrated homosexual, who was giving excuses to begin the process of getting out of the closet and enjoying his sexuality. I disagreed. It’s true that many of those who call themselves bisexual still do so for the sake of claiming full or predominant preference for the same-sex, but this is not a rule.
This friend dated a girl until a few weeks ago and always had relationships with girls. He has always been gentle and open-minded, which, within general culture (for heterosexuals or gay men), seems to be impossible to exist without him having to be gay (yeah, I know, this is stupid as hell). When have we become so cynical? Are there no heterosexuals who break the "alpha-male" standards? Can’t there be a heterosexual with intimate curiosity about someone of the same sex?
"But if he kisses a man, he's gay", someone will say. No! Gay is someone who feels full or predominant attraction for someone of the same sex. The same holds true for bisexuals: he also doesn’t fit under this term because his affective predominance is towards girls (obviously, the opposite sex). Curiosity comes with a complexity that we try to transform into a rule without realizing that precisely because we are human, we are susceptible to the influence of the environment.
For example, a guy can be heterosexual, but curious about a specific boy because he identifies with different manners, where that small desire to explore another angle of the two in a more intimate way is born. It can also start from a situation, like a party where the vibe is incredible, that friend of years is close, and they share the intention and confidence, or even in someone new, with a physical/aesthetic attraction that arouses the curiosity, the desire to touch, kiss. And what passes.
After curiosity is satisfied and the bi-curious manages to draw a conclusion (if he continues to prefer the opposite gender, whether he prefers the same gender or whether he likes masculine and feminine in the same intensity), he is again the one who decides what he prefers. In the end, it's all etiquette to generalize trends. The secret is: do you want to try doing it with a chick? Try it. You don’t have to wear any special clothes or raise any flag. It's your experience, not a festival for people to raise tabs and make notes. Pleasure is fair, as long as it is safe.
As a bi-woman, I, along with every bisexual person I met, have listened to the same handful of ill-informed questions every time I've decided to open up and talk about my decision. Here are 11 things bi-women are simply tired of hearing.
You're bi just to catch the guys' attention
Women definitely hear it more often than men do. Of course, being bi-curious may be different from being bisexual. But the trick to figuring out if someone is "really bi" is simple: if they say "I am bisexual”, then they’re bisexual. End of history. They don’t need to show their bisexual license or pass any other qualifying examination for you.
Are you sure you're not lesbian?
People of both sexualities are guilty for this question to exist. I'm sure the first question you asked yourself after you realized you were attracted to someone of the same sex was, "Am I gay?". But for those of us who are bi, the answer is clearly no.
But no, you're right, this is obviously just a form of illusion based on denial that we've all been fooling ourselves over the years, in order to avoid admitting to ourselves that we're gay. We are so delirious that we even made a flag for ourselves and opened exhibitions about our history. But now, thanks to you, we will never again have to lie to the world and to ourselves. As if.
I bet I can change your mind (from an heterosexual guy)
No, and now you definitely won’t be able to have sex with me.
You just want to sleep with everyone
Being bisexual means that we are attracted to men and women – but not ALL men and women. Only those we find attractive. It’s absurd that we have yet to make that distinction, but apparently it’s what we have to do.
You'll get over it, I bet
This is not a phase for me. Now, is your sexuality just a phase for you?
Men are so annoying. I wish I could date girls! (from an heterosexual girl)
Well… you can. But I'm not bi because sometimes I get tired of guys. It’s not as if women were another option of meat.
But one day, you're going to have to become gay or not if you get married, right?
While for most of us marriage means to settle down with a person and to be faithful to that person, it’s not as if there is a switch that we can turn off somewhere in our butts to make us gay or straight. Our partners will only have to respect that this is something we can’t change, just as we will respect their sexual preference. That doesn’t mean I’ll cheat on the person I love!
I don’t date bi girls because they're just gonna leave me
People exchange people for other every day, regardless of sexual orientation. To imply that bisexuals are more likely to do this than others, and to avoid them as a result, is just stupid!
The bottom line is that you owe nothing to anyone. If you want to kiss women, then kiss them! If you want to kiss men, then kiss them! The life is yours and your sexuality too, so don’t stress too much about it.