My advice is reflection, experiences, and to be sincere in your emotional communications. Doing this, you’ll understand better the lack of affection and everything will be more clear and consequently controlled.
No one was born to be alone. That’s a fact! We need to live together, exchange ideas, encourage each other to move on. After all, we live in a community.
The problem is that some people have lost the autonomy of their own acts and are not able to live alone with their own defects, their loneliness, their addictions, and leave behind a great love.
This impasse runs counter to two problems of adult life: the first is the need for fulfillment, even in love, which can make us choose our companies badly for the simple fear of being alone. Another problem is the lack of ability to give affection. In the rush of the world, all that people really seek in a relationship is affection, and if you don’t know how to give it, you’ll hardly be able to maintain long lasting relationships.
This kind of "latent solitude" in science is named affectively as “lack”. It’s not the lack of sex, or a great love in life, but the lack of a hug, a caress, someone to hear you. This causes the affective deprivation to take shape inside one's life. And, of course, it becomes even more visible when people enter into empty relationships, pursue sex, and still have no depth in relationships.
The problem with the lack of affection
Lack of affection is the evil of the century. In its name, incredible people give up their own happiness for the sake of a momentary (bad) company and allow bad relationships to mark their stories for the rest of their lives.
It’s not uncommon for needy people to confuse passion and longing with love. After all, for them what matters is to be with someone, indifferent to the denomination of this feeling.
It’s okay to feel needy
To feel needy is natural. It’s part of the comings and goings of our life. But increasingly I see the human inability to cope with the lack of affection growing. You know, that phobia of being just with yourself? The inability to be alone? The fear of being alone? It seems that we are regressing: we stay connected 24 hours in our "virtual social life" by the smartphone and unlearn to deal with ourselves, to enjoy the silence and the company itself, to take advantage of the solitude.
The lack of affection is an attempt at self-fulfillment. Because I feel needy, I am impelled to seek in the other what I lack. My good gestures, my effort to get it right, are a form of conquest and exchange, so that you receive in return affection, sympathy, recognition, praise and intimacy. When I find someone, I want to ensure this relationship, so that I always have that source of contact for me.
You accept anyone, just to not be alone
The neediness is jealous, it tries exclusivity through isolation. It’s a way of using the other, stealing the freedom of all involved. In a needy relationship, the addiction to the other occurs. My happiness is conditioned to someone else.
A person who previously wasn’t even an option, becomes a considerable alternative on a lonely night. The will to have a love to call your own increases so much that any potential invitation to something more ends up turning into a promise of la future life together.
The neediness makes you stick your head over feat. You’re in so much need to cherish your body and soul that you will cling and fall in love with any creature that appears before you with a loving speech.
Whoever enters into a relationship without being aware of their needs, will most likely pour them on their love partner. And when that happens, there is no relationship that evolves well. So, there's no point in relating to someone who falls in love easily. if that someone doesn’t have the maturity to deal with a real relationship. It may be beautiful at first, but it won’t bear the burden of the everyday life.
The lack of affection is not for sissies
Contrary to what many people think, the lack of affection is not a woman's thing. It can reach us men, with a sweeping facility. Because of this, often we don’t (or can’t) recognize it, letting it grow in our lives.
Primary relationships (with parents, siblings, grandparents, and cousins) will dictate the first rules of affection. The lack of such interactions can generate a need that, at first glance, may seem irreparable. The good news is that there is a way out of everything, even for this lack that can get in the way.
Men don’t have or don’t demonstrate vulnerable emotions
Thanks to this myth, many men don’t pay attention to the emotional effects of their unwanted sexual experiences. And if they do, they fail to seek the support and help they need.
Believe it or not, men are biologically connected, from birth, to being more emotionally reactive and expressive than females. For example, boys become more distressed and cry earlier and more often than girls.
However, every step of the way – whether by the way parents, teachers and other children relate to them, by the games they play and by what they see on TV and in movies, computer games and the network – the boys are constantly trained to be just the opposite: emotionally unconscious and unimpressive, especially when it comes to vulnerable feelings.
But then, how to turn the game?
The best way to find out how to get rid of the emotional need is through psychological help. The specialist will try to find out where the root of your problem is and treat it in the most appropriate way. Suddenly, the treatment is simpler than you have imagined. Sometimes it takes time. But the truth is that there is no way to let this type of problem go untreated.
One way to try to realize your level of need is through your conversations with your main circles of friendship: if you’re one of those guys who overcharge your friends, make an effort to get attention from your parents and family members or feel discouraged easily , seek psychological help. These signs can be indicators that something in your life is incomplete, and is reflected in a lack without limits.
Passion or lack of affection?
In its semantic origin, the word passion represents suffering. Pathos, from the Greek, and Passio, from the Latin, means torture. In practice, the feeling manages to be crueler than this definition.
The phrase "I fall in love easy" is almost a war cry for these people, since it serves as an excuse for the wrong choices they make in the sentimental area.
Falling in love, however, doesn’t mean a guarantee of success or failure in a relationship. People who fall in love easily, in general, tend to detach very easily too. We can’t forget that passion, in general, refers more to idealized feelings than to a real affective choice. That way, when the real person starts showing up and showing off his or her true personality, the lover may be disappointed and abandon the relationship.
The act of falling in love can be one of the most incredible experiences that can be lived by the human being, if the end is happy, of course. We feel a unique sensation, happiness is full, the world becomes the most perfect place and everything seems possible to be accomplished.
Upon reaching this state, the most sensible person loses reason and let the feelings take the reins of the situation.
Imagine the following situation:
You know an incredible, beautiful and extremely attractive person wants to be with her at any cost. After the first contact, you can’t get her out of your head and, however much you don’t want to admit it, you often think of her until you have the courage to add her to a social network or send her a message.
When the conversation begins, she takes some time to respond. She seems so confident, full of friends and busy. You understand all this and don’t mind waiting for days for an answer. Gradually, you start talking longer, each one discovers more about the other and, finally, you go out to a bar. After drinking a bit, you decide to stretch the night somewhere else and then, you fuck.
It was amazing, better than you imagined, but all of a sudden you just want to go home, sleep in your bed, watch your movies and play your video games. The girl is really wonderful, you continue to admire and find her incredible, but all the intensity of that initial feeling has passed. Probably, my friend, you were just needy. In this case, you could fulfil this by having sex with the girl you wanted so much. When it’s passion, that initial and intense feeling continues even stronger after the first sex. When it’s just lack, often, it doesn’t.
The biggest problem, in fact, is when the first sex doesn’t cure the need and you are still dependent on a relationship not for love, but for the need to complete something within yourself.
That is where the differences between lack and passion become even more subtle. We know that for love to take the first steps, it often goes through the stage of passion. It’s necessary, especially when mutual. It’s like an unconscious "test-drive" in which both people euphoric, expose themselves and discover themselves intimately. When the "passion fire" cliché loses a little bit of fuel, the couple begins to really know who the person they are relating to is.
The passion that kind of blinds the both of you in idealizations, and it’s in the frustration of these idealizations, that inspires most of the love songs. The success these types of music have only shows that however much we evolved intellectually, relating to these passions, we are still primitive men.
Are you afraid to love?
Returning to the lack of affection, the reason for the affective dependence related to the example I have narrated may have to do with the fear of being deeply involved (a.k.a. delving into passion).
We live in a world where it’s very easy to communicate and with little practice of healthy communication. What I mean is that the games of conquest often obscure the intentions of the peers. Sometimes the woman wants something casual, the man wants to get involved, and they never end up knowing this little, but important, detail, even after developing an intense intimacy.More than ever this communication failure can boost mental health problems, leading us to talk to therapists about everything we keep inside ourselves. So try to be more honest with yourself and be happy!