We stop living the life we would like to make others happier. Happiest parents, happiest friends. We survived with the happiness of others and move away from our own happiness. We believe that one day society can change and respect a feeling that has existed for millennia. But no, it will not change. Not as many of us would like – in a natural way and without major crises. The change must be initiated by you. Start by admitting to yourself your true desires.
There are things that happen in our lives that bring a reversal in our certainties. You, for me, was one of them. A hurricane of madness, news and follies that left me in no doubt: before your arrival, I knew absolutely nothing about love. Nonsense of someone who crossed an entire eternity of paths and wrong people and believed that love was limited to those shallow deliveries and the restlessness that occupied a huge space within my chest. No, love was much more. It was the rescue of a burning ship and you heard my calling.
We have a mania of thinking that you need to love in a lifelong way just as if there were a right way, almost a manual, to maintain the balance of healthy and long lasting relationships. It turns out that you taught me just the opposite, that if we don’t take our chances outside the comfort zone, we ran the risk of never understanding the immensity of such a noble feeling. The permanence was in the details, in the daily effort, in the constant whirls of two that reinvent us and transformed us minute by minute into better versions of ourselves, for the other and for the world outside.
Things have not always been as they are now
I confess that since I was a teenager I was interested in boys. It never crossed my mind to have an intimate relationship with women. So, one of the pillars of my life, my sexuality, was defined, untouchable, unshakable. We can say that I was even armored...
I don’t say that what I felt for them was a deception, a camouflage or any feeling that implies not recognizing that, yes, it was totally real. I am what I am for all the wonderful experiences I have had. It’s not about denying the past. Much less looking for excuses. The question is easy, just as it is unquestionable what happened every day/month/year/moment of my life. The passion for a woman has opened my world to what I call the "absence of exclusion”. It’s not directing the focus, but simply not limiting the spectrum. Don’t judge me. I’m simply saying for you to be loyal to what you feel. How? Well, of course there is no formula.
As Shrek said, we are made of layers :)
Many bisexual women have dated men all their lives, but once they become acquainted with women, they completely forget about the male preference.
While common sense insists that these women are homosexuals, I believe these things are something very particular to each person. How many women have loved men and then found themselves in love with women?
This is my case, by the way. I know I have not been with men just to respect the standard of society. As I have said many times around here, I wanted to be with them and I was even engaged. My girlfriend is the first and only woman I've ever had a more serious relationship with. Before that, I had never fallen in love with someone of the same sex.
When I came to recognize this in myself (and you followed this process), I found myself admiring an amazing and attractive women, realizing that before that I might even be unconsciously repressing the thought of finding a beautiful woman. I felt that with this paradigm shift, my mind had expanded beyond the boundaries and rigid barriers that the status quo imposed.
With that, I allowed myself to "let it go" and maybe even try to win the heart of the woman I was attracted with.
Courage to be who you really are and to change your point of view
In today's culture, many women are not accustomed to exercising the art of conquest. They simply wait for an approach because they "learned" that things should be like this. This (lack of) attitude has created us a big problem, especially when we discover ourselves as lesbians or bisexuals.
When I wanted to meet someone new, I failed because I couldn’t approach anyone. I didn’t have the habit to go to bars, clubs and was a newbie on relationship websites. I had extreme difficulty initiating any conversation.
Since we were "trained" to look, smile, and wait, I didn’t even identified that Camila was flirting with me and that I should be flirting with her back, since I was interested in her. In the end, we both were losing. When I was younger, I had one experience in an entire ballad exchanging glances with one woman and nothing happened because we were "waiting" for the other (and I didn’t know what was happening).
Fear of being who I am and fear of not being accepted for who I am
There is also another point of great influence: the fear of rejection. We even want to try new things once, but we don’t want to insist. We have great difficulty in dealing with a NO. Pride, fear and self-indulgence make us miss many opportunities.
I live in Salt Lake City and, when I met Camila through this relationship site, I fell in love, but didn’t realize that. When I tried to talk to her and notice that I was feeling attracted to her, I would freeze completely. It was my first lesbian passion. Until then, I didn’t know I could fall in love with another woman.
The new feeling made me begin to sift through the life of my new passion. I discovered that she lived in São Paulo, Brazil, before and even had a boyfriend. When I noticed that she dated a guy before, I thought I accepted it as something “obvious” and moved on (because I didn’t fully accepted that I was interested in her), but it truly bothered me a lot. When I started to notice that this was bothering me, was when I was sure that I was really in love. Then it came a time when I decided to forget everything, to get it out of my head. I pictured us only as friends and that’s it. But time passed and I couldn’t forget what I was feeling. I was, in fact, afraid of her reaction and possible rejection.
After my “escape” time, we exchanged messages. When we met again, things happened as I narrated before in previous posts. We got drunk, kissed and even had sex at the same night. She reacted normally, as this was something she wanted a long time ago. She talked to me and said she already suspected of my intentions, by the way I looked at her. She said for me not to be afraid.
After a while, I asked her to be my girlfriend. Because she realized that my feelings were true, she accepted.
It was not easy to go through all this. As much as she had done her part in all this, I also had to win her as well (something I never had to do with men). I tried to do everything. I was romantic, caring, careful, and I got closer to her more and more. I went after her. She said I won her because no one had ever done anything crazy for her before.
What I love about you
My girlfriend is the kind of woman I've always wanted. Mature, intelligent, sensitive and beautiful. I love watching her get ready to go to college. Always very well dressed, she usually has her own style of dressing. She is extremely feminine.
When she leaves, the perfume stays around the house. It feels so good! The perfume matches so well with her skin that when she arrives from college, she is still with it. Yes... after a full day out, she's still very fragrant. It is a dream.
She loves makeup and always has impeccable hair. She is also determined, serious and, at the same time, amusing. It's so good to date someone who can sort things out quickly: The typical modern woman.
She also does not shy away from people's questions when we're together. The other day, she walked into a store to try on clothes. While I approved or censored the pieces, the store clerk asked if we were friends. I was all bland and before I could say anything, my girlfriend promptly replied: "We are girlfriends”. The salesgirl didn’t seem so surprised. She even said: "That’s happened to me too. I had something with a girl, but I gave up. My family is very religious. I'm married today and I have a son", said the saleswoman. These days, she also told a co-worker about us. "Geez, I know a lot of gay people, but I'd never imagine you dated a woman” her colleague replied.
The question that everybody wants to make: but what about sex?
What about sex? How does sex between two women work? Don’t you miss anything?
These are some of the first questions asked when I say that I date a woman and that I have dated men.
When I hear these questions, I realize that women really don’t know the possibilities of a relationship. Culturally, sexual involvement must necessarily have penetration (not that this doesn’t exist in lesbian sex). But this is just one of the many actions to be explored in the sexual moment.
Each woman reacts to stimuli in a different way. Some are satisfied only with penetration, others prefer the stimulation of the clitoris and the penetration at the same time and there are still those that only reach the clitoral orgasm. Why is sex between two women usually satisfying? Because it doesn’t just involve penetration. This is not to say that lesbian sex is always good.
Many bisexual women report that they felt much more pleasure in having sex with another woman. I think the scenario is due to the fact that many couples think that only penetration can be satisfactory. Most of them have not yet learned to have sex for both to enjoy.
A bisexual man is not obliged to fall in love with every man he takes to bed. But stating that there is no way to change affection with a male shows an implicit bias. It's rooted chauvinism.
This repulsion, however, is not an exclusivity of the male wing. Many women say the same thing. Before having a relationship with a woman, I also claimed to have only "physical attraction” for them. I categorically stated that I "would never be able to date a woman”. This fact has not proved true over the years.
We are more prejudiced than we think
Our inner prejudices, those we don’t want to admit, are the hardest to accept. We have shown ourselves to be politicized and "free from prejudice”, but when the situation concerns us, we try to stifle it with "false concepts”.
To assume the bisexual identity is to understand that we will not always be willing to fall in love with a man or a woman, but that, at some point, someone may surprise us.
For all those who don’t understand how someone over the age of 25 can fall in love with a person of the same sex. Or how someone who has always been with a person of the same sex may find him/herself in love with another sex. The answer, obviously, is not by choice, whim or indecision. This person allowed to live a life that, for her, it’s the one that brings the union with her essence. I don’t say that everyone is "bi". I simply demand respect for those who are. Not by imposition, violence, but by authentic feeling of effective democracy.
Therefore, the fact that someone has always been homo, hetero, or bi and others discover this throughout the journey of life, doesn’t make this person more or less indecisive. It’s not a matter of choice. It’s something that must be respected and accepted in society.