The key to dealing with jealousy lies in listening, understanding, asserting intentions, and letting go of jealousy attitudes. Respect your relationship and your partner's feelings, don’t get into jealousy games and be open about your intentions.
Me and my girlfriend broke up. Yes. She was a wonderful woman, but unfortunately, she was very jealous. Mainly because we had a long-distance relationship. I tried, but I couldn’t continue our relationship. I'm still a bit depressed because of this, so I decided to write about jealousy and how it affects relationships, both online and offline.
It’s indisputable that the advent of social networks and their constant improvement has brought improvements and greatly facilitated interpersonal relationships. But at the same time that they are great mediators and a means of interface between people from all over the world, they have also generated a number of problems regarding the stability of relationships.
The internet turned out to be not only a platform of contact, but also a weapon of destruction. Its benefits - such as bringing people together - are obvious, but they have a downside: social networks have made people's lives public.
A person who embarks on a relationship has the opportunity to analyze and observe all the things that the partner has already posted and lived, learning a lot about their behavior and their tastes. The negative side of this is that all this exposure, virtual friendships and all comments and photos can generate jealous crises in those who access the profile.
But then how to deal with it? Is it possible to have a healthy relationship over the internet? I decided to write about it and give some tips, based on personal and expert opinions.
First understand this: a little bit of jealousy is normal
Jealousy is normal in a relationship, even in open, polyamorous or in platonic relationships. It’s possible to be jealous even of friends who start spending more time with other friendships. It’s not a question of possession but of the will to have the other person around, to the point of envying those who can spend more time with this person. Both men and women, and even people who do not fit into the usual genres, are jealous at various levels. But here I’m going to talk more about women. One must accept the fact that there are healthy jealousies and blind and obsessive jealousies, which should be properly distinguished. In the case of a jealous woman, let's think about calming and dealing with an angry woman.
Don’t cause jealousy
It’s a given fact that being in a relationship doesn’t invalidate other people who are unleashing something in you. I speak, for example, of physical or emotional attraction. Be open with your partner about this and avoid creating games of jealousy in which you encourage your partner to make her feel inferior or feel that someone else is an obstacle in your relationship.
It's worth pointing out from the start that you have friends (including from the opposite sex) and that they are important to you and that doesn’t have to be a motive for jealousy. It’s important that the couple maintain their individuality and preserve their space; after all, the foundation of a relationship is trust, and you, being a couple, have a relationship based on partnership, not dominance.
Try to understand the reason behind jealousy
The dialogue between you two must be something permanent. If your partner is jealous of someone, there must be some reason. Explore what may have caused jealousy and understand what is going on, so you know how to act toward the person who makes your girlfriend, fiancé or wife jealousy. Assume that you should give priority to those who are by your side.
Exposure in social networks feeds those who already tend to be jealous. In this case, it’s always interesting to explain that such exposure creates insecurity, but always keep in mind that this can only be something created by her imagination.
Listen to your partner
Listen to your partner carefully and let her explain what she feels. Let her help you understand, in an open conversation, what really triggered and caused jealousy. Listen to her carefully without interrupting her with your arguments before it’s over.
Understand your partner
After listening to what your partner has to say, it's time to take a break and meditate on the situation. Put yourself in her place. More likely, if you were going through her situation you would probably also be jealous. Show her that you understand her side before moving forward to defend your integrity.
Also, try not to engage in jealousy. An example: If your partner feels uncomfortable when you like someone's photo, avoid this behavior. Try to police yourself as this creates conflict between you and wears out the relationship.
Accept the validity of her arguments
Now that you have meditated on the subject, validate your partner's feelings and arguments. Don’t get defensive or want to end the relationship. Be understanding and accept her arguments, as well as assume any guilt you may have about the situations that triggered jealousies.
Make sure to clarify and ensure your intentions
After listening, meditating and understanding what is really going on in your relationship, you should make your partner feel secure in the relationship. Re-expose your intentions to her, to the relationship and to the future you two. Ensure that you won’t cheat on her or act against the relationship. Find out what you want from the relationship in the present. There may be room for an open or polyamorous relationship, even if there is jealousy, but let these kinds of decisions fit both of you.
The most important tip is to always leave everything properly clear so there is no unnecessary disagreement. Dialogue is the best solution for all kinds of problems, as well as being a way for you to get to know each other better and consider points that you like or dislike about your partner's actions. Talk whenever something bothers you and ask her to do the same, since communication is a factor that helps a lot for the stability of a relationship.
Support your partner and help her overcome that feeling
Now that you understand the situation, it’s time to stop with possible jealousy provocations, it’s time to measure your attitudes, to value your partner and your feelings according to what has been talked between you two. Certainly, your partner will have explained the serious points and these should be largely avoided. Stay away from dangerous situations for the relationship and your partner.
Bonus tip: He who seeks, finds
If you are a jealous person, don’t seek to spy on your partner's profile or her phone. It will only be a trigger to generate anger and jealousy in you, even if much what you see is not what it seems. Whenever you feel like craving information on social networks, choose to ask your partner instead. Dialogue is always the best option.
Don’t just accept my opinion. Find out what professionals say about this
"When you realize that jealousy has become almost a third element in the relationship, provoking arguments and ending harmony, it’s a bad signal," says psychologist Olga Tessari, author of the book "Drive Your Life Without Fear, ways to solve your problems”.
"The obsessive jealous person fantasize stories with beginning, middle and end, drawing his/her own conclusions and always think they’re right." But another question is still in the air. What to do with jealousy?
For the psychiatrist and author of the book “Jealousy, the fear of loss”, Eduardo Ferreira, excessive jealousy, with public humiliation, is an almost pathological case. "When the mistrust reaches this level, there is no more reasonable solution. The jealous person has already become a real kidnapper of the other person”. According to the doctor, a person who suffers these types of attacks should ignore them. "Relationship like that doesn’t work out”.
And it may seem that jealousy is an exclusively female feeling, but no: men also suffer from this evil, and much. "In general, male jealousy is of a sexual nature, while the feminine has affective characteristics.", says the psychiatrist Eduardo Ferreira dos Santos.
So how to control? Urologists Celso Marzano and Sylvia F. Marzano of the Center for Sexual Orientation and Development give the tips. "For men, it’s much more a matter of self-confidence. They need to exercise dialogue better, and in a situation where they see that they can be jealous, try to understand the girlfriend by the way she looks and speaks. This helps contain the anger".
Tactics to tame the jealousy monster
- Inhale and exhale: Until I'm you’re sure about what's happening, take a deep breath and think about your qualities. Making a scene doesn’t help anyone;
- Don’t jump to conclusions;
- Occupy your place of honor: When jealousy strikes, think: he/she could be involved with anyone else, but he/she chose me!
- Goodbye, obsession: Clarify your doubts and move forward. You can’t keep wondering all the time, otherwise you won’t live;
- Speak clearly: When someone come all over your partner, it’s better to make it clear that he/she is not alone;
- Invest in yourself: Believe in yourself. Take care of yourself and value yourself;
- Don’t fantasize: Rationalize. Suffering from what you don’t see, and worse, what you think might be happening, is a loss of energy;
- Have faith in your love: Trust and open talk keeps the relationship in check;
- Relax a little: If the person wants to cheat on you he'll do it at any time, on a break at lunch or a fake football match. So why torture yourself?
- No paranoia: Jealous people always finds more than what they seek.
If what's behind the jealousy is...
There are two hypotheses: either the person is really incompetent or feels inferior. In the first case, the solution is to become more competent. In the second, lower the immense expectation you put in yourself. Maybe you believe you need to reach perfection to deserve to be loved. To stimulate security, understand why you ask so much of yourself and reduce this.
- Low self-esteem
Did you find yourself thinking that any person is capable of taking your love away from you? Those who suffer from low self-esteem are afraid of being alone and therefore, will accept any relationship. This is terrible! The way out of this is to start liking yourself more. Only then you’ll live a balanced relationship.
- Excessive need of attention
Yours is above normal if you're even jealous of his relationship with his mother and his friends. One of the reasons can be low self-esteem. The other is symbiosis. You, very rational, make up an unity with him that is guided by emotions. The way out is to learn to live with these emotions alone. Have you thought about going out with your friends or family to get used to be without him?
One day you learn... - Willian Shakespeare
After some time you learn the difference,
The subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,
And company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats,
With your head up and your eyes ahead,
With the grace of a man, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn, that even the sun burns if you get too much,
And learn that it doesn't matter how much you do care about,
Some people simply don't care at all.
And you accept that it doesn't matter how good a person is,
She will hurt you once in a while,
And you need to forgive her for that.
You learn that talking can relieve emotional pain.
You discover that it takes several years to build a relationship based on confidence,
And just a few seconds to destroy it.
And that you can do something just in an instant,
And which you will regret for the rest of your life.
(…) You learn that the circumstances and the environment have influence upon us,
But we are responsible for ourselves.
You start to learn that you should not compare yourself with others,
But with the best you can be.
You discover that it takes a long time to become the person you wish to be,
And that the time is short.
You learn that it doesn't matter where you have reached,
But where you are going to.
But if you don't know where you are going to, anywhere will do.
You learn that either you control your acts, or they shall control you.
And that to be flexible doesn't mean to be weak or not to have personality,
Because it doesn't matter how delicate and fragile the situation is,
There are always two sides.
(…) You learn that sometimes it isn't enough being forgiven by someone,
Sometimes you have to learn how to forgive yourself.
You learn that with the same harshness you judge,
Some day you will be condemned.
You learn that it doesn't matter in how many pieces your heart has been broken,
The world doesn't stop for you to fix it.
You learn that time isn't something you can turn back,
Therefore you must plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure.
You really are strong.
And you can go so farther than you thought you could go.
And that life really has a value.
And you have value within the life.
And that our gifts are betrayers,
And make us lose
The good we could conquer,
If it wasn't for the fear of trying.