In the end, this experience should be fun. No one wants to experience bad things, feel strange or uncomfortable. Sadomasochism is not about hurting your partner or getting hurt. It’s about opening doors to new frontiers of sexual exploitation.
If this topic bothers you, please don’t read this article because, although it’s not an erotic tale or anything, it contains hints of sexual positions and things like that. So be warned.
The film and book 50 Shades of Grey, whether you like it or not, has awakened in many women an almost sinful desire to experience sadomasochism. But many of these women don’t know how to introduce this subject to their partners or don’t know if they will like the idea. I decided to write about it because I get a lot of questions about this subject.
Are you thinking of taking a bit of sadomasochism to your bed? Have you ever been more curious about it and would you like to try it? Are you trying to figure out how to talk to your husband or boyfriend about this?
First, sadomasochism is not just for those people who have a very peculiar taste or who attend sex clubs. Sadomasochism is becoming very popular (thank you, 50 Shades of Grey), and it’s about exploring your limits and levels of control, and it comes close to something like torture or humiliation.
Such practices (such as domination, sadism, discipline, masochism, among others) need a couple who have confidence and respect for each other, and which couples will be better at it than happy couples?
We're not saying you need to spill hot candle wax on your partner or burn your own skin (if that's not what you want), but who says a little handcuff and a few blindfold plays can’t be fun?
Sadomasochism is incredible for couples, but no one wants to be judged, so you and your partner should be open to each other's desires and the fact that maybe the other really wants to try some extra sexual experiences. Just remember, your partner loves you unconditionally and if you want to try something new, we are sure he will be open to discussing this.
But here are some tips on how to start this conversation:
What is the practice of Bondage?
Bondage is a type of fetish that basically consists of tying and immobilizing the partner consensually, and may or may not to penetration as a sexual act.
Although it’s usually related to sadomasochism, not necessarily this fetish is somewhat sadomasochistic, as it can be seen only as a part of sex in conjunction with other BDSM techniques.
BDSM means Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism, and who practices it seeks sexual pleasure through the power and submission of the other person.
Bondage practitioners claim that with just a few props and a little creativity, you can create unforgettable erotic encounters.
Focus on trust
You won’t let a random man from your spinning class tie you up and play with your nipples wearing a feather, right? Ok. So, nothing better than doing these things with someone you know and that you know that would never hurt you.
Instead of sitting down with your partner and saying that you want to make your own Red Room in the 50 Shades style, concentrate the conversation on the confidence that this kind of practice involves.
It’s not a question of frightening your partner or pushing him into sexual experiences with which he is not comfortable. It’s a journey that you will be willing to live together, which can be very exciting, new and pleasurable. Sadomasochism is not something obscure and terrifying, but it’s a beautiful expression of sexual freedom.
Everyone knows the importance of trust in a relationship, whatever it is. Trust establishes possibilities, defines limits, draws the relationship itself.
Trust is also one of the pillars of the BDSM relationship. You can’t go forward without it. On the contrary. This type of relationship only progresses as the trust grows.
But seen so purely, we can lose the essential, which is: trust spreads in the relationship, has various forms and it’s almost the air you breathe.
You trust in the person, you trust in you, you trust in yours and in the decisions of the other person, you trust in your intuition, you trust in your potential etc.
Of course you have to trust the other to evolve, but it’s not enough. You know the other, you know where you both can go and trust it, so invest in it.
The different types of trusts determine your path.
You must live this fantasy together
Tell your husband how sexy it would be if one of you were tied while you were having sex, comment on it in a hot moment. But remember that, of course, this is something that you are really interested in trying. However, you must remember that this experience is not just about you. It’s an experience to be lived together with your partner.
When you resolve to have this conversation about trying out for sadomasochism, talk about the two of you, after all, this is something you will be trying together. You are completely equal parts in the relationship and both want the other to have a positive experience. When you talk less about "you" and more about "both of you", your husband will be more excited to embark on that idea.
Make sure that both you and your partner feel comfortable
It’s not everyone that feel comfortable with sexual experiences considered "different" by society.
So that this is not a problem when you decide to do it, start thinking and fantasizing about the situation by putting yourself in the role of both the submissive and the domineering. See how you feel and if you really would be comfortable with the situation. Ask your partner to do the same thing.
During the initial practice period, you can start in a more subtle way as a test, and for this you can do some things, such as asking your partner to close his eyes during intercourse, and say that if he opens while you are engaged, you will stop. Or strip yourself and don’t allow him to touch you, so that you will know how you feel in relation to one being dominated and the other being dominated.
Start slowly and simply
You don’t need a whip and a leather corset, a special chair or another very different accessories to start this practice. With sadomasochism, you can also start slowly and with simple things until you work on your game, gradually making it more intense. Your partner may have never thought to do something like that and everything may be too new for him – so, precisely because of this, you don’t have to do things fast and do something very different, with the risk that he won’t want to try it again.
When in doubt, grab some basic Velcro cuffs and wear a light shirt like a blindfold. You don’t have to buy any heavy and expensive equipment, and you don’t have to build a dungeon in your room. You can use things from throughout your home. For example, think of a tie as a rope, a wooden spoon for spanking or an ice cube to trigger nipples.
You may even experience some spanking. Feel free to try sexier and dirtier things. Just make sure you're ready for that step.
Discuss limits before starting
Another important thing to be addressed is your limit. Don’t be scared by the limits of words, and remember that sadomasochism is not as scary as you think. It’s about opening the lines of communication and clearly mapping the sadomasochistic and sexy experience that both you and your husband desire.
If you want to try an anal play, but your partner doesn’t agree with this, you need to know beforehand. If he wants to give you some stronger spanking and you don’t agree, you have the opportunity to make that clear. In sadomasochism, you will deal with the possibility of crossing a line you don’t want if you don’t expressly understand what each of you wants from that experience, so it’s always necessary to talk and respect your partner.
Start with a feather
When it comes to practicing Bondage, a tip is to start literally with a feather. It's something simple and easy.
What is most interesting when it comes to bondage, the submissive and the dominated one, is that one can’t move or fight against the other’s sexual urges, and the other feels pleasure in his or her power over the other person.
When people are in both conditions, it’s an unique opportunity to experience a wide variety of sensual touches using feathers, ice, heat, fabrics like silk, tongue, fingers, sex toys, etc.
Silk feathers or fabrics become super sensual tools when used in this situation. They please, excite and cause neurotransmitters to go crazy when these objects come in contact with the skin.
Being tied up and having a feather or a silk scarf going through your body is something that can be very perverse.
Contrary to what many people think, practicing bondage is not about raping the other person while they are immobilized. The "art" of dominant and domineering play involves teasing, tickling, licking, sucking, and what creativity and your partner allow.
One of the ways to sharpen your partner's sense is by obscuring his or her vision, because as has been said before, when the person ceases to use one of the five senses, it ends up sharpening the others.
The use of a blindfold is something simple and very used during the practice of bondage, because the dominated won’t be able to see anything that the dominant will be doing.
Aromatic candles are also great for this moment, since the sense of smell is even sharper.
One of the things that makes the dominant feel happy in this situation is to feel power in inventing new forms of pleasure for the partner, and often they use erotic toys to achieve this.
Most of this type of toys make some kind of noise when they are connected, and when the submissive listens to this "buzzing", he/she begins to feel a certain emotion and anguish in advance, which is extremely apparent to the dominant.
To tie the partner is a bondage classic. This leaves him totally immobilized and totally in the hands of the dominant. However it’s important to take some care to make him feel comfortable and also to enjoy the moment.
Make sure that he will be in a comfortable position, and never use threads or strings, as they cut the skin, and can seriously hurt.
The most advisable are products manufactured especially for this type of situation, or a polyester rope, which can be found in building material stores. Another idea is to wear scarves, including silk or satin, which have a soft touch.
Beware of the types of knots so that when it comes to releasing the partner, they untie with ease, and remember to change the position of the person every half hour, and not too tight the ropes to avoid circulation problems.
Never exceed the limit of pain allowed, and don’t forget that both of you should experience pleasure!
Sad-masochism is a surprisingly easy way to develop your communication skills with your partner, because when it comes to sexual adventures out of your daily experience, you have no choice but to talk about it.
Always have a safety word
Finally, don’t forget to pick a safe word (something you can say when you get very upset about something and want it to stop). This allows you or your partner to know that the limit has arrived and that you would like to stop what you were doing. Again, this is communication.
Choose something that doesn’t have a sexual connotation. In a scene that involves some masochism, or if you are playing characters, the word "no" may be a word you will use during the action, but that doesn’t mean that you want it to stop, so it’s important that you choose something neutral and random like "cake" or "boat".
Remember: you want to experience sadomasochism because it sounds like fun, not because it’s something bad.
With sadomasochism, you have the chance to be someone who you usually aren’t and do things you can’t try otherwise. You're right to laugh and you're right to be silly. Have fun!